That Time I Learned the ‘F’ Word at Sunday School

142005745Growing up, Church was a Sunday morning ritual at my house except on the occasions I managed to successful fake sick and relish in the confines of my comfy bed. While most kids’ memories consisted of Zacchaeus and reciting countless verses before they can spell out C-A-T, mine merged together in one glossy blur, except for the morning when I learned the ‘F’ word at Sunday school.

Churches are full of cliques, and mine was no exception. Thrown together by gender and age, Ashley, Krissy, and I spent countless Sundays drooling over pubescent Hollywood heartthrobs and planning the grand escape we could never muster the courage to play out. Krissy wasn’t like Ashley nor myself, she was different. Krissy was homeschooled, still believed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny entered her house in the dark of night to drop off presents, and had no idea that her younger siblings were the product of mom and dad having sex and not random gifts from angels. What’s worse, the poor girl didn’t even have access to cable, a horror I couldn’t believe her parents subjected her to. Yes, Krissy was as blissful and innocent as an 8-year-old could be.

Standing outside the classroom one Sunday morning, the three of us exchanged curse words. Both Ashley and I knew all the good ones, except the ‘F’ word. After countless guesses and suggestions (Fart? Fudge?), nothing seemed to stick. Posed as angelically as could be, Krissy untucked her arms and spoke, “I know what the ‘F’ word is.” Bullshit. She’d never even seen a PG-13 movie, she couldn’t know.

“Prove it,” Ashely dared her.

“I’m not just going to tell you,” Krissy snapped.

“Please,” Ashley and I begged in unison.  We were dying to know. It was the last of our innocence and we were done with being kids.

“I’ll tell you the ‘F’ word if…” she looked around, “…if, you tell me what the ‘D’ and ‘S’ word are.”

“‘S’ word?” I asked.

“You mean ‘suck’?” Ashely added.

“I thought it was that. Okay, what’s the “D” word and then I’ll tell you.” Someone was turning out to be a hardass gangster.

Ashley and I both looked at her. “It’s ‘damn,” I told her.  “Now, tell us!” Bitch was getting on our nerves.

Krissy looked at us, pondering her unspoken thoughts.

“You don’t know what it is, do you?” Ashley huffed.

“I do too! Okay,” she started before looking around and making sure no one else was in earshot, “it rhymes with the ‘s’ word.”

“You mean ‘fuck?'” Ashley blurted out?

Krissy nodded her head, “yes.”

The three of us remained on the sidewalk while kids inside learned of Moses floating down the river. That was the day I learned my new favorite curse word, one I would go on to use on many occasions and in different contexts, time and time again. And all thanks to the girl whose parents believed their isolated and censored life was protecting their little angel from situations like this.


That’s What She Said…And Other Famous TV Quotes

There’s no greater feeling than having a connection with someone who watches the same tv shows as you.  One line can bond you for life, leaving you cracking up louder than a drunk at a comedy club.  I could go on for pages listing the best tv lines, but I’ll save some virtual space and just “yada, yada, yada” about my most recent favs (in no particular order).

1. “Legen…Dary!”  – Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

No one has better catch phrases than NPH himself.  Everything from his “self fives” to “challenge accepted” never gets old, but my all-time favorite Barney Stinson quote is “Legen…Wait for it…Dary.”  It just amplifies everything that is awesome in this world.

2. “Treat Yo Self” – Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle, Parks and Recreation

Work hard, shop harder?  Yes, please!  Tom and Donna gave us permission to “Treat Yo Self” to whatever is you please because we all need a little retail indulgence every now and then, don’t you think?

3. “Deal Breaker” – Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

Tina Fey is the voice of reason for girls and women alike.  She’s smart, funny, and regardless of how self-deprecating she is about her looks, I think she’s fabulous gorgeous with a great bod!  Act all indifferent you want Tina, but we both know you limit your Hostess Ding Dongs and hit the gym more than Kelly Ripa’s 6-pack abs.  Anyway, back to the topic.  “Deal Breaker” cuts out the bullshit and forces you to move on…to something BETTER.  Grown-ass man still living and mooching off his mama?  Deal Breaker!  Employee comes into the office looking ravaged and smells like a fish?  Deal Breaker!  Dog refusing to keep his shits to outside?  Deal Breaker!  Okay, well not really because he’s a pup and you’ll always love him, but you get the point.  Tina’s “Deal Breaker” gives you the authority to call it as it is ditch whatever it is that isn’t working like a hot tomato.

4. “Turtle Time” – Ramona Singer, Real Housewives of New York City

Better than  RHOC Vicki’s “Wahoo,” no one can resist a little “Turtle Time.”  I think Ramona’s swag dance moves hype the saying even better.  After working a long week, who wouldn’t want to take off their shoes, down a little Pinot Grigio and Turtle Time it up?  I think every moment should be Turtle Time!

5. “Chang / Chang-ed / Chang-ing” – Professor Chang, Community

It’s like “Fuck.”  It can be a noun, verb, adverb, whatever you want to make it, which is why I love “Chang.”  You can “Chang It” or “Be Chang-ed” or “just Chang.”  Professor Chang may be crazy, but at least he’s making “Chang” happen.  It’s so fetch!

6.  “That’s What She Said” – Michael Scott, The Office
Thats-What-She-Said-Michael-Scott-Last-EpisodeCome on, it never gets old.  I’m a chick, and a proper one at that and even I can’t even resist when someone says something and the opportunity to blurt out, “That’s what she said” comes…”That’s what she said!”  See what I did there?  Right there?  I just did it.

  1. “It’s Handled” – Olivia Pope, Scandal

My favorite is actually, “I’m the Best” but I couldn’t find any attractive memes with it.  Scandal is like a more sophisticated soap opera my husband and I enjoy indulging in.  And by sophisticated, I mean it airs after 8pm.  Overly dramatic and ridiculous, the hubs and I have an ongoing joke that whenever a really intense scenario appears, one of us will ask, “will get it handled?” and the other responds, “yes, because she’s the best!”  Perfect drinking game.

  1. “Patrice!” – Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother

Poor Patrice.  She just wants to be Robin’s BFF, but is always the automatic scapegoat/punching bag when something goes wrong.  Oh well, I’m over pitying her because blaming her is just that much more entertaining.  Dammit Patrice!

Miss a favorite of yours?  Share in the comment section below.